AN OPEN LETTER TO LOVE

AN OPEN LETTER TO FINDING LOVE
What Love Taught Me About Courage
Personal Story by Thi Nguyen

In my 20s, I experienced relationships that tested my beliefs about what love meant versus what I thought it should be. During that time, I got married unexpectedly in my late 20s, a marriage that ended as quickly as it began. My 20s taught me that I needed a partner who would stick with me in both the best of times and the worst of times. That fairytale ending was what I believed love was supposed to be.

In my 30s, I fell in love.
The old-fashioned kind of love.

Handwritten letters and notes.
Musical dedications.
Unexpected surprises.
Holding hands while exploring the world.
The tenderness of young first love.
The feeling of security. Unconditional love. Acceptance from his family. Lots of laughter, many firsts, the warmth of his embrace. A proposal.

But life had other plans. It threw our relationship into the biggest test.

Distance.
Communication.

Thousands of miles away, two continents apart, we continued. We stayed strong for two additional years. In the end, I felt I was holding him back from his full potential, and the distance, coupled with poor communication, broke us. I let him go, cried for months, and remained single for four years.

During this time, I watched as my friends slowly got married, had kids, got divorced, and married again. My family and friends asked when I would get married and when I would have kids. My response was always the same. If it happens, it happens.

I wanted to focus on my own happiness, not society’s expectations of what a woman my age should be doing. I wanted to understand what I needed and wanted in my next relationship. But most importantly, I wanted to rebuild my life and focus on doing something I would be proud of.

Then COVID changed everything.
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It changed the trajectory of my career goals. It changed my lifestyle. It shut down so many opportunities I had lined up. I was traveling for work 90 percent of the time, meeting incredible humans along the way. I did not realize how fast I was moving until COVID forced me to stop.

In many ways, COVID ended up being good for my health, personal development, and growth. What I did not focus on was finding a partner, because I was content with my life.

During COVID, I ended up in an abusive relationship. Someone who emotionally, mentally, and physically abused me. Someone who gaslighted me to lift himself up. The reality is, I cannot even blame him. I saw the red flags a few months in and did not walk away.

Never in all my years on this earth would I have imagined myself in such a relationship. Now, I have a deeper understanding and empathy for those who find themselves in one. You begin to question every decision you make.

Maybe he is just stressed.
Maybe I could have done better.
Maybe I am overthinking the situation.
I am too picky. I should give him another chance.
It is okay since this is the first time.
It is okay because he is nice to me.
It is okay because he is drunk.
It is okay…

The reality is, it is never okay.
How does one go from a loving relationship straight into an abusive one?

Part of me believes COVID facilitated this, especially since I asked him to move in with me during lockdown. The other part was my internal body clock. I knew I wanted a family. I felt ready to settle down. And settling is exactly what I did.
The voices and expectations placed on women my age, the pressure to marry or have children by a certain time, haunted the back of my mind. While I refuse to believe those words did not affect me, I know they influenced my thought process and mental state when making decisions in relationships.

I changed my lifestyle to conform to his. Toward the end of the relationship, I realized I could not dim myself because he was miserable. I realized I was losing my light for someone who did not deserve it.

Courage.
From the Latin cor, meaning heart.
From Middle English, the seat of feeling.

The courage to say, It is not okay.
The courage to be okay with the end of a relationship.
The courage to acknowledge bad decisions and grieve the loss of starting a family.
The courage to rebuild yourself in the darkest times and walk toward a light that feels so far away.
The courage to start over.
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At 45, I have finally realized I need to drown out the noise society has pressured me to believe about being single and without a family. I have built a life I truly love. And although I still hear comments here and there, I now recognize that these words often come from love. From concern. From people who care deeply about my well-being and future. For that, I feel immense gratitude.

This experience has taught me:

Trust your gut instinct.
Do not blame yourself for being forgiving.
Be kind to yourself when your partner is not kind to you.
Do not blame yourself for missing the red flags.
Stay true to what matters to you in a relationship.
Forgive yourself, because every experience is an opportunity to learn and grow.

I have opened myself up to dating again and meeting so many wonderful humans.

I still believe in love.
I still believe in fairytale endings.
I still believe in the good in people.
I still believe that one day I will meet the right person at the right time.

I am finally at a point in my life where I am so content, so happy, and so at peace that it would take someone truly extraordinary to disrupt that peace. This is where I hope you find yourself after reading my open letter to finding love. Just remember, it is never too late to start over. And it is never too late to walk away from something that no longer serves you.

Single. Forty-five. Exploring the world.
These days, you can call me a digital nomad, traveling more than 300 days a year. Perhaps one day I will meet someone worthy of my love, dedication, time, and commitment. And if not, that is okay too.

Because I will continue impacting the world, one life at a time, in my own way. ∎

Happy to be an ear, shoulder or friend to help you through the difficulties and share our experience. Happy to meet liked minded individuals and connect anywhere in the world. Message me on Instagram @GoGreenDress to connect and let’s meet somewhere for a bite, tea, a stroll or to explore.   

Be the Light. Light your being. You’re meant to shine in this world.  -Thi-ism