BACK TO THE STARTING LINE

BACK TO THE STARTING LINE
Reclaiming Health, Purpose & The Runner Within
Personal Story by Leyna Luttrull

​I’m about 2 blocks in when it hits me, I am grossly unprepared for this 5k…

I can feel the heaviness in my chest, hear the sound of crunching leaves beneath my feet and the heat of the autumn air beating down on my sweatshirt, forming beads of sweat under the fabrics as the wind moves threatens with each gust to take my hat from my head. How did I let it get this far? I was once fit, athletic, spending long hours in the gym to sculpt each muscle and long days beating the pavement with each stride towards the goal of defining my health. 

In 2019 I had a health scare that shook me to my core. Faulty breast implants took my neurological function and mobility, reducing me to a shadow of the person I was in my youth. My once firm grip and model-esque walk were replaced by tremors, seizures, neuropathy, and bouts of paralysis. I spent hours at doctor appointments, regurgitating my list of symptoms over and over only to be met with blank stares and handed a list of possibilities and no real solutions.

One late night I stumbled across a post on Facebook from a friend who shared how her breast implants had made her so ill she could barely function any longer and upon removal she found most every symptom had been erased, some overnight, others slowly correcting the further she went in her healing journey. I read her words typed on the screen in my hand through blurred eyes as my tears fell down and every health issue she mentioned struck panic and confusion within myself.

Could this be it? Could the answers to my crumbling self possibly lie within my own body? Could my quest to make myself feel better outwardly have caused me to decay inwardly? I sheepishly messaged her and asked her for guidance to comprehend the gravity of her statements: “Breast Implants could make you sick.” She graciously answered my questions without judgement and understood my hesitation at believing, no one had ever told me this narrative. 

I spent the next two years researching, joining support groups online, looking into any possible solution other than removal. My health continued to break away from me until I felt the only possible solution was to take the chance and remove them, knowing that if I only gained 30% of my life back, it was better than losing it from my own insecurities. 

In 2021 I found a doctor, scheduled my appointment and took the leap. Only after I woke up from the surgery did they tell me that they found my implants had been growing into my rib cage, which the doctor believed had been a contributing factor to my heart arrhythmias and fluctuation. It took over 3 months before I could start to exercise again and every symptom I had struggled with no longer existed in my day to day life. I felt a renewed sense of self, a determination to achieve health goals and new accomplishments I had never considered. 

I was going to run a 5k.

​I searched out local races, downloaded apps, and charted areas in my town that would challenge me in ways I had never before. Hills and rough terrain, high school tracks under the night sky, each new pathway getting me closer to the goal I never knew I would desire. I found an accountability partner. We texted back and forth screenshots of the apps navigating us and teaching us how to run, cheering each other on no matter the time or distance. The day came faster than we were ready for and we ran the course, hand in hand across the finish line. I found another 5k, this time competing with my daughter. I cared little about the time, I felt alive and vindicated with each passing event. My health was my focus, signing up for sword-fighting classes, using my newly found cardio passion as my banner in life. I sought to reclaim the years of my life that had been stolen by a crumbling body. 

So how did I end up here? 

Struggling with each step under the autumn air on a mile stretch to the local store? How did I lose the drive and passion? Was it life and busy work that forced me to keep my running shoes just out of reach? Was it the balancing of kids and schedules that had replaced determination I once championed in myself? 

No. 

As I reflected on my journey to the store I was hit with the realization that I had stopped creating goals. As I conquered each one in the past I relished in the sense of accomplishment and settled into patting myself on the back instead of creating new goals, new challenges. I traded training for sleeping in, laps around the track for late night dinners until the glow of the television. I had let it all slip away simply because I could. 

Recently a friend told me of a race she was attending and all of the wonderful awareness it was bringing. Little did she know I had been slowly revisiting the idea of running again. When she extended the offer for me to join, I jumped at the opportunity to help her cause and spend time with her. I laughed as I shared with her about how I had done nothing to prepare, but as our conversation ended I planned to make an effort to get ready for the big day. One day went by, two, a week, 

I again traded comfort for goals, lethargy for obstacles. 

A simple walk to the store jarred my reality as I counted the steps and processed the signals my body screamed at me, sweat, labored breathing, each growing ache an outcry of how far I had slipped away from my old, healthy habits. I felt shame and quickly told myself that mental defeat would not help, I moved from the emotion of sadness to sifting through a Rolodex of happy memories.

I allowed the sound of my feet moving under me to play the sounds of my feet crossing finish lines, while controlling my breathing I was reminded of counting my breaths in my past training. By the end of the walk, my home in the distance became the ribbon, the walk became the accomplishment. I write this with a renewed sense of self. Only 5 days away from a 5K with no training in over a year, I know that starting now is better than never starting at all.

It was a reminder that I once sat at death’s door and was given the keys to life, realizing that I had taken that gift for granted again. 

So today, I run. I lace up my sneakers and hit the pavement, the hills, allowing myself to feel every creak and moan of a body jarred into action again. I stretch and prepare, taking deep breaths and allowing the air to move through my hair, welcoming me as an old friend. I don’t expect a miracle or an award winning race time, I simply take in the cool breeze  and allow myself to feel the excitement with each step towards a renewed mindset. 

I joined this race November 8th to remind myself that I am not waiting on life to happen, it is waiting on me to join. A resurgence of determination won’t be found on the cushions of my couch or scrolling on my dimly lit phone. While I am able, I must honor the gift of a new life that was granted to me years ago. 

Why now?

Because I have been reminded of who I am. I’m reminded that with the time I have left on this earth, I will allow myself to experience a sense of accomplishment and create goals that uplift my mental and physical being.

Why race? 

Because I can. I can and I will. ∎

Learn more about Leyna and her story:
​www.awarenowmedia.com/leyna-luttrull