IF YOU TELL ANYONE

IF YOU TELL ANYONE
A Life Shaped by Secrets & Changed by Truth
Exclusive Interview with Nathan Spiteri
Featured in 'Innerviews'
Hosted by Allié McGuire

Trigger Warning: This story includes graphic details about child abuse/sexual violence.

​Some stories are carried in silence because speaking them seems impossible. For twenty-five years, Nathan Spiteri lived with a secret that began when he was eight years old, reshaping his life through trauma, addiction, and survival. Now, through his book ‘Toy Cars’ and the documentary ‘If You Tell Anyone’, Nathan shares the truth he once feared to speak, so others might find the courage to reclaim their own.

ALLIÉ: Before the world knew your story — before the film, the book, the advocacy — who was young Nathan in your own eyes? What do you remember most about the boy you were before life asked you to grow up too soon?

NATHAN: I grew up in a small town in Australia where life was just very simple and easy and this sh*t didn't happen or we thought it didn't happen. I lived in a cul-de-sac. When this happened, I had an older sister and one younger brother. Since this has happened, my mom had another baby, so there's four of us. But before I had to grow up, there were three of us. There were quite a few kids in our cul-de-sac and the surrounding streets. Not every day after school, but most days after school, on weekend school holidays, all the kids would come to our cul-de-sac. We'd play cricket on the street. We'd play football and soccer and ride our bikes around and hide and seek and all these just fun, normal kid games. Speaking to my sister and speaking to my family about this, before the incident, they said I was just a normal, fun-loving kid who would go out and play and just enjoy life as an eight-year-old.

​ALLIÉ: For those who are coming to your story for the first time, and only because it is part of the message you share so openly, can you tell us what happened when you were eight years old that changed the direction of your life?

NATHAN: Of course. So, you know, again, like I said, growing up in a small town, there was the local swimming pool, and it felt like the whole town would go to this swimming pool. So it was summer holidays, just after Christmas, obviously opposite to America. And this is something that my sister and I would do two, three, four times a week. We would ride our bikes down to the pool and you know, go and swim all day. Then we'd ride our bikes home. This one day, another normal day, we rode our bikes down, but my sister left earlier with her girlfriends. She's two years older than me. So, she was probably 10. And she left early in the afternoon. That was fine. Because again, I'd ridden my bike home hundreds of times before. 

I stayed to the very end till close and literally everyone had left. I went into the change rooms to get changed. I was followed in by a man. He cornered me in the shower, and he raped me. The first thing he said was that if I told anyone he'd kill me and kill my family. So, I was an eight-year-old back then when there was no access to mobile phones, to the internet, to the organizations and hotlines we have today. I took what he said as gospel, and I didn't tell a soul. This relationship with this man went on for five years until I was 13-years-old. It started out very rough and violent. He would throw me against the wall, choke me out, punch me, kick me, slap me, rape me violently. Through his grooming, his lies, his manipulation, it turned into a Stockholm syndrome type relationship where I felt nothing. I wanted to be with him. He was telling me that my parents don't like me, that they want me to be with him, that my parents think I'm a liar, that my siblings think the same, that I picked him up at the pool, and that if I go to the police or anything like that, I'd go to jail and he'd be free and that I'd never see him again. 

So just all of this stuff… him telling me how special I was and that this only happens to special little boys. Then at 13-years-old, he just disappeared out of my life. He left town. So he either got caught or he got in trouble with the police. During the next two years, I kind of questioned who I was, what I was, where I belong in the world, who do I belong with? Am I gay? Am I straight? Again, he told me how special I was. 

In the next suburb over from my town was an industrial estate. In this estate were gay clubs, sex clubs, cruise lounges. I would sneak in there at 15-years-old. These men would feed me copious amounts of drugs, get me f*cked up, and rape me again. But then as I got a little older, I would turn around and beat them up, bash them, rob them. And that was my ‘f*ck you’ to the world. That was my way of getting my power back. That was my way of feeling, just trying to feel something. 

That went on for a good 20 years. I fell in with the wrong crowd, shooting heroin, smoking crack, selling my body for sex… I tried killing myself. I was doing acting and modeling in Australia, and then I got invited to the States to New York to do theater and to go to school there. So I thought I could get away from that life in Australia and move to New York, start all over again. But it's New York City… You can get what you want, when you want, and how you want it. I fell back into it. I fell back into the drugs, the violence, the sex, and the acting out. I almost killed someone and almost killed myself. And when that incident happened, I knew that was my do or die moment. My now or never, or I was going to end up in jail, on the street or dead. So I finally told a best friend. 

After 25 years, it was from age 8 to 32, I didn't tell a soul. So after 25 years of silence, suffering, and going through this alone, I finally told my best friend in New York. She helped me find a therapist. So I did therapy, group therapy, rehab, AA, narcotics anonymous, sex anonymous, all of those. And it's been a 10 year journey of healing and discovering who I am, my relationship with this man, with family, with friends, with lovers. 
​

​NATHAN: Now, I speak all over the world about this… in Australia, England, the States, India, and Amsterdam. I do keynotes. I did a TED talk. My memoir came out, and then the documentary, and now my memoir is being turned into a movie. So it's definitely been a journey of self-discovery, of healing, of understanding and education. Back to my memoir, when I got the book deal, one thing I said to my publisher was that if I write this book, I'm including all the details. I'm putting it all in there. And it's raw and it's real. Because you get a lot of people who will say, “I was raped at eight, but today I'm fabulous.” And that's all they say. But it's all about the sh*t in the middle. It's all about the messy part. That's where we learn. And that's where we grow. That's where we evolve. That's where we educate ourselves. So yeah, that's kind of been my journey. 

It hasn't been easy. It's been a struggle. And to a certain extent, it sometimes continues to be a struggle. But we're definitely getting there. The doors are slowly starting to open, and I'm finally able to walk through. 

When my memoir came out, when the TED talk came out, and to a certain extent, when the documentary came out, me and my team would go to the media and 95% of the media said to me, “If you were a woman, we would talk to you, but because you're a man, we're not going to talk to you.” And when I say this, I'm generalizing, obviously. But no one gives a f*ck about male sexual abuse. No one cares. Let's pretend it doesn't exist. Let's just turn a blind eye because it's men. And that's the problem with society... and that's a problem with men today. You know, we are taught at such a young age to not show fear or depression or anything like that. Don't let people see through the cracks. We've got to be strong. We've got to be brave. All of that shame, toxic masculinity. That’s the reason why men don't come out and talk about this because of how they're going to be perceived. And the problem is men hold it all inside. They suppress it. They pretend it doesn't exist, but it just builds and builds until we explode, until we hurt ourselves, until we hurt someone else, mass shootings, murder, suicides of wives and children. It's a mass problem in the world. 80% of suicides globally are male, 70% of those are due to unresolved childhood trauma. So it's all right there. It's all right there… but still, as a society, we don't care and we don't want to know about it.

​ALLIÉ: Right, because it's too uncomfortable to talk about. 

NATHAN: Absolutely.

ALLIÉ: Let’s talk about trauma, Nathan. Trauma leaves echoes. Not always in memories, sometimes in behaviors or beliefs. Looking back, what were the subtle ways your younger self tried to communicate pain without having the words to say it?

NATHAN: It's so interesting because I have an amazing family, very loving and caring. And they would see me as a young boy, as a teenager, going through all of this. They would see me cry for months. They would see me depressed. They would see me unable to leave my room, unable to eat, unable to do anything. And they would always say, “Nathan, what is wrong with you? Let us help you. We're here. Please, please, please.” They were worried. They were stressed about me. And all I would ever say to them is, “Don't worry about it. You wouldn't understand. Just leave me alone.”

What coping mechanisms for myself? Well, my dad used to smoke back then. He doesn't smoke now. And he was a bit of a drinker. I would steal his cigarettes. I would steal his beer out of the fridge. I would run around the corner and I would just drink, smoke his cigarettes, and then just act out and go to these places where I could just escape and feel. And that's kind of where my love for acting and writing came from. I would hide away from the family. And whether it was in my dad's room or one of the TV rooms, I would just sit there and watch movie after movie after movie and TV show after TV show. And I would get lost in the storylines, get lost in the characters, get lost in what was happening. And that was my escape from reality. That was my chance to just be normal or for that little moment in time, be someone else, feel something else, act something else, and not have to be me, eight-year-old Nathan, going through all this and having to relive it all the time. So I guess I was acting from eight-years-old because I didn't tell a soul until I was 32. And I hid it every day of my life. And it almost killed me. 

The trauma was always there. It was always living inside of me. We are not born into trauma. Trauma is put into us through these instances, through these acts of violence… I was living the trauma every day, sometimes self-inflicted, sometimes inflicted by others. And that was all I knew. And that was all I did to survive. As an eight-year-old boy, I had to grow up. My childhood was over. So I did what I had to do to survive and be. And the easiest thing for me to survive and be was to push my family away and kind of disconnect from them.

And that whole Stockholm syndrome type thing with this man… I would ride my bike to his house wanting to see him, wanting to be with him, all while knowing what was going to happen to me. But I was okay with that because in my head, he was the only one I was receiving love from and comfort… having a shower with me, giving me food and drink, just putting his arm around me, telling me how lucky I was, how sweet I was, how much he loved me. And that was what I knew. 

ALLIÉ: So let's talk about the fact that a lot of survivors from different traumas describe coping, not as a choice, but as an instinct, as you just described as something that brought you comfort because it was what you knew. When it comes to what quiets the noise and what helps you escape yourself and your situation, when you reflect on the addictions that took hold, what do you think you were trying to escape the most? And what were you hoping to feel instead? What were you trying to escape? Was it shame or being scared?

NATHAN: Great question. I think it was a bit of everything… It was the reality of it. It was the shame. It was being scared. It was the pain I was going through. I remember so clearly stealing my dad's cigarettes and just, you know, as an eight-year-old boy smoking these cigarettes and just losing my head. Even if it was for those quick 10 or 20 seconds, just being so dizzy and oh my God, this tobacco inside of me. It was my first kind of real taste of drugs. And that 10 second thing felt like a 10 hour thing. And I can just be and close my eyes and let go.

That was probably where it started. And then it started again at 15 when these men would feed me drugs and then rape and abuse me. I'd be smoking crack and doing cocaine and all the stuff. And again, just losing my head, losing myself, just forgetting about all of it and just wanting these men to hurt me. As much as I hated it, as much as it was disgusting, I still got off on it. I still came. I still got a hard on. I still felt all those feelings because they're sexual feelings, and I felt them as much as I knew they were wrong. As much as I knew I didn't want it, I needed it. It was my addiction.

And that's the same as the violence beating these men up and being violent toward these people. I needed it. And half the time I was the one getting beaten up because I was just some young skinny kid. So half the time I was getting it, but I wanted it because it allowed me for that instant in time to forget about everything else. 

ALLIÉ: Your film and your book turn pain into purpose for others. For someone listening who is still carrying a secret they never asked to keep, Nathan, what do you hope they feel in themselves after hearing your story — not what they should do, but what you hope they finally believe?

NATHAN: That they're not alone. I want them to know that they have a voice, because all we want and all I wanted for the very longest of times was just someone to sit and listen. What I hope people get out of my story, whether they read my book or watch the documentary, is that people are going to believe them. People are going to love them. People are going to listen to them. People are going to just sit and listen to them and hug them and tell them it's going to be okay.

For so many people, they'll come out and tell someone and that person will tell them to be quiet. It didn't happen. You're lying. That person would never do that to you. And as soon as they hear that, they suppress it, they push it far down and they will never talk about it again until, as I mentioned earlier, it just builds and builds and builds inside of them until they lose it and lose control and act out and do something. 

I just want these people to know that there is hope. They can get help, but it's not a quick fix. I need to say that. It's not, “Okay, I'm going to come out and tell someone, and now I'm all better.” Because I remember the very first time I told my best friend in New York. I felt like the weight of the world had just fallen off me. But then as soon as I left her and I was out on that street on my own, the weight of the world just came back onto me tenfold because it's like, “Okay, this sh*t is real now. I need to go to work. I finally broke that door open and so many emotions, feelings, triggers are all rushing in. So if I don't do the work now, it is going to kick my ass and it's going to damage me twice as hard.” So there is hope. We can get through it, and we can find peace. We can find love. We can find joy in the world, but we need to do the work. 

ALLIÉ: So, as a mother of six kids, the youngest being a seven-year-old boy… 

NATHAN: Yeah, exactly. 

ALLIÉ: I can't… I can't imagine. 
​

​NATHAN: Yeah. So I was, you know, a year older than your youngest. But I just had one older sister, and at least he has five older siblings to help him. Today is such a different time to when we were kids, to when you and I were younger, and our parents would say, “All right, get out. Don't come home until dinner.” That's how life was back then.

It's so interesting when I told my parents for the first time, and when I told my older sister. It was six months after therapy. I was in New York. My family were all in Australia. I knew my parents were coming to visit me. My therapist and I kind of came up with a plan to tell them. 

As a mother of six kids, you might appreciate this, it's quite funny. It's funny, but it's not, but it is. I said to mum and dad, “There's something I need to tell you.” 

And the first thing mum said was "You've got a girl pregnant.” I'm like, no. “You're in trouble with the police.” No. “You owe someone money.” You know, all of those mother type questions. And I'm like, “No, please just be quiet. I need to tell you something.” I said, “I was raped as a kid. I was abused as a kid.” And mum's like, “No, you weren't. We didn't hurt you. No one hurt you.” And then I said, “It happened at the local swimming pool the first time.” And then she wanted to know the who, the what, the when, all those basic, straight questions. 

But then the next thing that she said and the next thing my sister said were the exact same things and they weren't together. I told them separate times. The first thing they both said was, “Wow, that explains everything. Now we get it.” Because they saw the years of depression, of drugs, of abuse, of violence, of sex, of acting out, of just being so lost in the world, sitting at home crying. And they would be like, “Nathan, what the f*ck is wrong with you? Let us help you. What's going on?” But then when I said I was abused, that was like the final piece of the puzzle. They're like, “Holy f*ck. Now we get it. Now we understand.”

But then I was so sad because mum and dad had come to visit me in New York. They slept in my bed, and I slept on the couch. After I told them, all I heard was my mum cry all night... And then we didn't talk about it for about six months because they needed to go away and process it. The guilt, the anger, the shame they probably felt, it killed them. And they didn't know how to bring it up, but now we have an amazing relationship. We're all very close now, but it took time for them to understand, to realize, and I guess just process the whole thing. 

ALLIÉ: Yeah, but how amazing that after that hurt to now be closer because of it, because now they understand, and now it's not something you're hiding from them. Now, there's no barriers between you any longer. 

NATHAN: No, there's not. We just had a family holiday, and it's the first time ever I felt a real connection and belonging to them and with them. And it was beautiful. It was amazing. 

It's been a hard journey with the family at first. I never really felt connected to them and I never felt belonging for Christmas, birthdays or anything. When they’d try to show affection or love, I would just run away from it and not want it. I’d move to the other side of the world to be away from them. But, you know, it's brought us a lot closer together and it's a beautiful feeling. 

ALLIÉ: Well, this has been a beautiful conversation. Nathan, thank you so much for having the strength, the courage to show up like you do, for speaking your truth, which I can only imagine, as you were saying, to be so healing, but healing perhaps for others as well, where they can find a way, a place to start. 

NATHAN: Absolutely. And that's what it was all about. I always said if I can save one person's life in this journey, if I can help one person from going down the road I did and help them find some peace and closure, then I know I've done the right thing. And the thousands of people that have reached out to me tell me that I've saved their lives, it makes it all worth it. Because this is just something that men don't talk about. I’m maybe one of two or three guys in the world who are actively out there openly talking about my experience and male sexual abuse and child abuse. There needs to be more of us. We need to start the conversation. We need to end this stigma. We all need to grow as a society together and learn together. Especially if we want to educate our children on this, we first educate ourselves as adults. 

ALLIÉ: Yes. And to that point, yes, these conversations can hurt, but I believe that if we can hurt together, we can heal together. 

NATHAN: Yes, very well said. ∎

Learn more about Nathan & his work:
www.nathanspiteri.com
Find & follow on Instagram:
@nathanspiteri