THE BRAVE BECOMING

'Relearning Life After Loss, One Truth At A Time'
A Personal Story by Elizabeth Blake-Thomas

​The last month has been an extraordinarily intense month of personal growth. I set myself mini missions and goals with deadlines. No one else was keeping me accountable, but I knew I had them and wanted to achieve them.

The first major goal was to fly for the first time, other than when I had to return from being away with Chai’s ashes, without my four-legged best friend, who left me 10 months ago. Habits and patterns that had been part of my life for the last 13 years were now forever changed. I had been invited to NYC to speak on a panel. I said yes and thought I’d worry about the details later. That “later” came around very quickly. So now what? Well, the only way this was going to work was if I was super organised and planned, choosing very specific flight times to cause the least distress and not having any luggage except a tiny bag for the one-night stay. Seeing other dogs at the airport, walking past the pet relief area, remembering how she slipped when walking around the airport floor. Knowing how much she loved being with me and sitting next to me on the flight brought an overwhelming sense of sadness. That’s what I feel, sad. I allowed myself to feel it, but reminded myself the whole time that I’m doing this for her. She would have wanted to come, and she would have been part of this. So I packed her rose quartz heart and a toy of hers, and off I went.

I haven’t been separated from her ashes since she passed, and I sleep with them on my heart every night. I couldn’t risk them being taken from me at the security point, so I left her with Isabella so she wouldn’t be alone. I recognise that finding comfort in things brings me the inner peace I need. Chai was with Isabella, so all was okay.

I managed to fly without much distress, and in all honesty, I am super proud of myself. I actually did something that I didn’t know if I could ever do again. In the words of my three-year-old neighbour, “I did it.”

My other task for the month was something I called 50 by 50. What does this mean? Well, I decided to write 50 children’s books, illustrate them, and start selling them by the time I turn 50. I will have actually completed this by my next birthday, aged 48. These books are my heart and soul laid bare, for children and the inner child inside every adult. I love every single story. Some were written when I was 19 years old; others, most of them, in the last six months, when I was feeling so grief-stricken I had to find an outlet or suffocate from grief.

Why have I created them? I had a download of sorts, where I wanted children to become children again. My grief was taking shape and coming from a place of understanding, as if I were a child. It was and is the only way I can comprehend what’s happened. Even then, I can’t actually understand the complexity and finality of death. So sharing this with the world is my legacy, my long-term mission. I’ve also created them as board books, not just any type of book, but tangible, tactile board books.

Not only have I experienced a couple of practical goals this month, but also emotional ones. I’ve had an explosion of understanding regarding my boundaries, my sense of self, and this new chapter I’ve found myself in. Due to the fact that I feel the worst has happened in my life by losing Chai, what have I got to lose now? So laying myself bare and being my authentic self is the only option. Receiving my autistic diagnosis five months ago has been life-changing. My quirks, habits, needs, and creativity are now flourishing. It’s like I’m able to water the plant every day, and by the end of the day, a new flower has grown. It doesn’t matter what that flower is, it’s just part of that plant.

Self-care has meant I have to look after me, now initially a foreign concept, but I treat myself like the plant and recognise that that is what matters. It opens me up to see the possibilities, finding peace and recognising with clarity what my success looks like and who I want to be in this success.

​Finally, I have decided to spiritually retire. Isn’t that a great phrase? I can physically feel in my body when I’m in situations that don’t serve me. My body reacts, and so I have to be brave, brave enough to make these changes. Recognising the joy I get from writing, creating, being alone, spending time having picnics, and doing the simplest of things means I can no longer mentally and physically afford to be part of an industry that isn’t aligned with me and who I’ve become.

This doesn’t mean I’m not going to continue making stories that move me, but that’s it.

Living as a minimalist and frugally means I get to make these choices, consciously choosing how to live. It took a huge amount of strength to make this decision to step away from an industry I believed was supposed to be forever. But if I don’t listen to my body, I’m not sure what that future looks like.

So I’m feeling brave, brave in simple day-to-day living choices, brave in changing my life, and brave because I’m allowing myself to be my authentic self 100% of the time.

I’m still a work in progress, and always will be, but that’s okay. I’m relearning everything about myself, forgiving myself, standing up and advocating for myself, and also loving myself. All of this is actually quite difficult to do in this current world. So it’s important for me to continue sharing my journey, my “medicine with words,” because maybe the things I share can have a positive effect on even one person, giving them the courage to be brave, live truthfully, and constantly work towards finding their authentic self. ∎
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