THE HAPPINESS DOCTOR

THE HAPPINESS DOCTOR
Healing the Invisible Wounds We Were Never Taught to Name
Exclusive Interview with Dr. Elia Gourgouris
Featured in 'Innerviews'
Hosted by Allié McGuire

Long before he became known as ‘The Happiness Doctor’, Dr. Elia Gourgouris was simply a boy navigating change, identity, and the quiet pressures that shape us long before we understand them. His journey, marked by discipline, loss, reinvention, and discovery, led him to a simple but profound truth: happiness is not the absence of pain, but the presence of alignment. Today, his mission is helping others find their way back to themselves.

ALLIÉ: Before happiness became your life’s work, Elia, was there a moment in your own life when you realized how fragile or intentional happiness really is? Take us back to the beginning of how you got started on this journey.

ELIA: I think I was born this way, honestly.

This is a true story. I was born a very long time ago in Athens, Greece. Back in the day, when they didn’t allow cameras, there was no Instagram Live, there was no anything. It was just the OB-GYN and my mom.

As the story goes, as I was told growing up, my dad shows up at the hospital, kind of a tough Greek guy, drinking his little whiskey, smoking. He comes up to this little window. There are five babies, myself included, and we’re all wrapped in the same white generic blanket back in the day. Everybody looks the same.

ELIA: (continued) My dad said, “Which one is my son?” The nurse tells him, “Your son — he’s the happy one.”

I grew up hearing, “You came out of the womb happy. You’ve always been happy.” That sentiment gets reinforced.

Now fast forward 25 years. I’m getting my PhD in psychology, and the professor at the time is talking to us about what makes us who we are. Is it our genetic predisposition or our environment? Of course, it’s both.

But I had this weird thought. I’m like, wait a minute… what if my dad gets caught in traffic, shows up 15 minutes later than he did, comes up to the same nurse, same window, asks the same question, and at that time I’m screaming my head off. And the nurse turns to my dad and says, “Your son is the cranky one.”

So then the message becomes, “You came out of the womb cranky.”

What I’ve thought over the years, and I’ve worked with literally hundreds of thousands of people, is this: We’ve all been branded as kids. It typically happens in our home. The school environment may have an impact.

There are some brands that are beautiful and positive, like “the happy one.” You can’t get any better than that. But there are others: the princess, the smart one, the intelligent one, the athletic one, the kind one, the artistic one.

And then there’s the dark side of branding.

Unfortunately, some brands are terrible. And by the way, they’re usually somebody else’s projection. They’re not even real. But that’s what we hear as little kids, and we internalize it.

The most common ones are the following… And you might say, “Who would ever say that?” Believe me. The stupid one. The fat one. The ugly one. These are horrific brands. Because if you grow up with that and you view yourself through those lenses…

So anyway, I write the book Seven Paths to Lasting Happiness, and I start talking to audiences. I’m in North Carolina at a women’s conference with 500 women in the room, and I’m sharing this story about the importance of your personal brand. And I say, if you have a positive personal brand, count your blessings. Lean into it. Grow it even more. However, if you don’t have a positive brand, perhaps this is the time, as an adult, to choose for yourself what your brand will be.

I’m giving this talk, and there’s an older lady with gray hair who starts waving her arms. It throws me off because I’m in the middle of my flow. But it’s so obvious, I can’t ignore her.

So I stop and say, “Yes, ma’am?”

She said, “You know, I’m 70-plus.” And she says, “After listening to you, I want to change my brand.” Now, she shared this in front of 500 people. I don’t know if I would have had the courage to do that. She said, “I have been called fat, ugly, stupid… After seven decades, I want to change my brand.”

You could hear a pin drop. The room got very heavy. Her name was Leia. I’m standing there, the audience is looking at me, and I’m thinking, what do I do? So I say, “Well, ma’am… what’s your new brand?”

And she says, very seriously: “From now on, I want to be known as Princess Leia.” And instinctively, I said, “Yes, Your Majesty,” and I bowed. The entire room erupted in laughter. A very heavy moment became light.

Why do I share this story?

Because if somebody in their seventies after seven decades of being called something, not just by others but in their own mind, can make a choice to change their brand… then I can do it. And your audience can do it.

So the call to action is this: If you love your brand, good for you. That’s a blessing. But if you don’t, today is the day. Don’t spend one more day living down to somebody else’s version of you. Because it was never you.
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ALLIÉ: That’s such an important lesson.

ELIA: But I had a head start from day one.

ALLIÉ: Since the womb.

ELIA: Let me answer your question more seriously.

My mom, who was my angel, I was a mama’s boy. She was the best woman, the best human I knew. She wasn’t just loved… she was beloved. Because she was pure, unconditional love for everyone. That’s how I grew up.

Unfortunately, she got cancer. I was 10 years old. Once she got cancer, it was devastating. That’s one of the main reasons we moved to the United States from Greece — to try to keep her alive a few years longer. And it did. It helped.

She had breast cancer and uterine cancer. She beat both of them for 12 years. But eventually, she got bone cancer. And that took her.

On her deathbed, the last words my mom ever said to me were in Greek, I’ll translate it: “Don’t worry about me. I’m going to be just fine. I just want you to be happy.”

And then she went into a coma. Two days later, she passed away.

I was so close to my mom… she was my best friend, she was my world. She was my dad’s world too. My dad started drinking even more after my mom died, in his grief. My older brother kind of left the scene because he was dealing with his own grieving in his own way.

So I went from having this incredible family… to somebody opening up the door and throwing a grenade in it. And everything got smashed to smithereens. I was totally lost.

I remember the first year after she died, I literally didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to live. I was like, “God, if I get hit by a bus today, I’m okay.” Because I couldn’t imagine living the next 50 or 60 years without my mom on this earth. I didn’t want to be here.

That didn’t happen, of course. Somehow, I made it through the first year which is really hard. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays… all of it. The first year after losing somebody you love is the hardest.

But somehow, on the one-year anniversary, I remember waking up… and I realized… Wow. It’s been a whole year, and my mom hasn’t been here. And then her words came back to me: “Don’t worry about me. I’m going to be just fine. I just want you to be happy.”

And I made a conscious decision. I said, the best way to honor my mom is for me to find my own happiness. And I have. For 40 years. It’s been 40 years since my mom passed away, and that has been front and center in everything that I do. Because I truly believe that happiness is the most important thing in our life.

ALLIÉ: That is such an incredible story. Thank you so much for sharing that so deeply. Let’s talk more about you. You mentioned that you immigrated to the United States as a child and grew up between cultures. How did those early experiences shape your resilience and your understanding of what it means to belong?

​ELIA: I didn’t realize at the time. It was only about three or four years ago that my older brother said to me, “When we came to America, that was really traumatic.” I had buried that. I didn’t even remember it that way.

He said to me, “When we came here, you became shy.” I had a weird name. New culture. New language. We moved to Santa Monica, California. It’s a beautiful place. But we had a great life in Greece. It’s not like we were running away from something. We came here so my mom could live longer.

I became an introvert. So I thought growing up that I had always been an introvert. My brother said, “What are you talking about? When you were a kid in Greece, you were the life of the party. You were the center of attention.” So something happened. The trauma made me go inward.

It wasn’t an easy transition. I was very fortunate because I was a really good athlete. Middle school is tough. I don’t care what country you’re in. Kids can be mean. There’s bullying. But I was a swimmer. A really good swimmer. I was a national champion in Greece. So when I got to my school in Santa Monica, I broke the school record as a seventh grader, even beating ninth graders.

That gave me some protection. When you’re really good at sports, you’re looked at differently. So I was able to avoid a lot of the bullying because I represented the school.

But even with that… it was still hard. We missed Greece. We would cry. We couldn’t wait for summer. Back then, my team in Greece would actually pay for my ticket and my brother’s ticket so we could come back and compete. That’s how much they valued us. So we went back and forth.

But it wasn’t easy. Even though we were living in this beautiful place with palm trees and the ocean. It felt magical… it was still hard. And as a result, you become resilient.

ALLIÉ: It starts young, right? All of it with the branding and the experiences.

ELIA: And I honestly believe that we are all graduates from the University of Adversity. All of us.

ALLIÉ: Yes. I agree. Let’s switch gears for a moment, not to you, but to all those others that you’ve helped. You’ve helped so many people transform their lives, from “Princess Leia” to countless others. Can you share a moment when someone else’s breakthrough deeply changed you?

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​ELIA: As you go through life, yes, you can help other people… but there are people along the way that also help you. My mom’s statement, “I just want you to be happy,” was foundational.

But my very first lesson in life came much earlier. I was about five years old in Greece. I’m sitting on my grandfather’s lap. His name was Elia. I carry his name. He was a sweetheart of a man. He had the worst job in the world. He was a tax collector. And yet, he was beloved. Because he was so fair, so kind. Everyone loved him. Usually, when people see the tax collector, they run the other way. But not him.

I remember sitting on his lap… and he says to me, “My boy… do you want to know a secret?” And I’m like, “Yes, Grandpa.” He says, “Do you want to be the richest man in the world?” And my ears perk up like Bugs Bunny. I’m like, “Yes, Grandpa!”

And he says, “If you want to be the richest man in the world, do something good for somebody else every day… and you, my boy, will be the richest man in the world.”

And for some reason… that stuck.

At that age, being the richest man in the world meant gold, silver, treasure, like Pirates of the Caribbean. But as I’ve gotten older… kindness has become a part of my life.

Doing something kind for someone every day… it doesn’t cost anything. It doesn’t require much. It could be a smile, a compliment, a hug, a listening ear. What I call your ‘third ear’, not your two ears, but your heart. Holding space for someone.

And with kindness… everybody wins.

People say, “Well, what do you mean everybody wins?” We know the giver wins. Science now shows that when you perform an act of kindness, certain areas of the brain light up. The receiver wins, obviously.

But there’s something magical that happens beyond that.

The third win is the interaction. It’s the exchange between two human beings. It could be you and a homeless person at a stoplight. That brief moment when you roll down your window, you give something, and they have nothing else to give you except, “God bless you,” or “Thank you.” That moment… that’s a win.

And the fourth win is the people who observe that act of kindness. They get inspired. And then they go out and perform their own acts.

And by the way, I don’t believe in ‘random’ acts of kindness. There’s nothing random about it. Every act of kindness is conscious, deliberate, and mindful. Because every time, someone makes a choice. So it’s not random. It’s intentional.
So my call to action is the same as my grandfather’s from over half a century ago. Do something good for somebody else every day. Not only does it ring true… it has been validated hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of times in my life. And I’ve seen it in others.

If you’re feeling stuck, if you’re feeling down… go do something good for someone else. Then watch how you feel afterward. I guarantee you will feel better.

ALLIÉ: Absolutely. That is incredible advice. And I love that. I can’t think of a better ROI. Everyone is obsessed with return on investment… I can’t imagine something greater than kindness. But here’s the thing… So many people spend their entire lives chasing happiness and still feel empty. What do you believe is the biggest misconception people have about happiness? Where do people get it wrong?

ELIA: I think possessions. Material things. Are they nice? Of course. Is it nice to have a beautiful home? Yes. A great car? Yes. Vacations? Of course. Who wouldn’t want those things? But they are not the key to happiness. Aristotle 2,500 years ago said it best: “Happiness is the whole purpose and meaning of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.” Nobody can improve on that.

To me, happiness lies in relationships. And I view relationships in three parts: your relationship with something greater than yourself… God, the universe, spirit, whatever you call it; your relationship with yourself; and your relationship with others. At least in my estimation, the one that is most often missing… is the relationship with self. Love of self.

ALLIÉ: That’s the hard thing, right? It’s so much easier to give someone else grace than it is to give yourself grace.

ELIA: Yes. And self-forgiveness, to me, is the greatest act of self-compassion. If you’re talking about love of self, self-forgiveness is essential. And it’s missing. I was asked recently, out of the seven paths, which one is the least practiced?

And I said, without hesitation, self-forgiveness. By far. And yet, the benefits… self-forgiveness equals freedom. It’s not as hard as people think. Most people just don’t know how to do it. Or they’re afraid to.​

So I take people through a process. And it’s one session. That’s it. We empty the backpack. Because most people are walking through life carrying a backpack. Before they even brush their teeth in the morning… they put it on. And it’s filled with rocks, stones, boulders, representing mistakes, weaknesses, addictions, regrets. And they carry it for decades. I’ve worked with people who are carrying things from 50 years ago every single day because they haven’t forgiven themselves. Some of it happened when they were kids.

ALLIÉ: So what do you do when something feels so heavy… that it feels unforgivable?

ELIA: There is nothing unforgivable. Nothing. The process is simple. I ask people to write everything down by hand, not typed, all the things they haven’t forgiven themselves for. It could be five things, fifteen things, fifty things. It doesn’t matter.

Then I ask them to rate each one from 1 to 10. A 1 is something small, like spilling red wine on your white shirt. A 10 is something extreme, like taking someone’s life. Most people think their situation is a 10… but when we walk through it, it’s usually a 7 or an 8.

Then we begin. We start with the 1s, 2s, and 3s. Lighten the load a little at a time. Build momentum. Then we move to the middle. And eventually, we get to the heaviest ones. And at the end… we burn the paper, symbolically releasing it.

I will tell you this: every single person I’ve done this with, when we hug goodbye, they whisper, “I wish I had done this years ago.” Every single one. And many say, “I feel like 100 pounds has been lifted off me.” Or 1,000 pounds.

So you’re looking at someone who carries no backpack. Nothing. My wife of 35 years says, “How do you live like that?” Because I’ve done my work. And I don’t take myself so seriously. That’s another key. We take ourselves way too seriously. And the beauty of getting older now… I’ve earned the right to say, “It’s my age.” So I have a clean slate. There’s nothing going into my backpack. Nothing. I am lighter. I don’t have the dead weight. I don’t carry the past.

I go back to one of my role models, Nelson Mandela. I love Nelson Mandela. Here’s a man who was imprisoned for almost 30 years. He comes out of prison… and he forgives everybody. Because usually, when people come out of prison and gain power, they go after everyone who harmed them. He didn’t. He forgave. And he said something so simple and profound: “In life, either you win or you learn.” That’s it. There is no losing. There are no mistakes as long as we are learning.

Now, you and I have had successes in our lives… but isn’t it true that the biggest lessons we’ve ever learned did not come from our successes? They came from what, at the time, felt like setbacks, failures, mistakes. But if those things hadn’t happened… we wouldn’t be who we are today.

In some ways, I’m actually grateful for what happened back then. Not that it was easy. But the quicker we can shift from “Why is this happening to me?” to “Why is this happening for me?” everything changes. “To me” means I’m a victim. “For me” opens the possibility that there is meaning, that there is a lesson. And if I can learn that lesson… I can move forward free.ALLIÉ: That’s the hard thing, right? It’s so much easier to give someone else grace than it is to give yourself grace.


ELIA: Yes. And self-forgiveness, to me, is the greatest act of self-compassion.

If you’re talking about love of self, self-forgiveness is essential. And it’s missing. I was asked recently, out of the seven paths, which one is the least practiced? And I said, without hesitation, self-forgiveness. By far. And yet, the benefits… self-forgiveness equals freedom. It’s not as hard as people think. Most people just don’t know how to do it. Or they’re afraid to.
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ALLIÉ: One more question for you today, my friend. When everything is said and done… what do you hope people remember most about how you made them feel? Not what you did. Not what you said. But how you made them feel.

ELIA: That’s an easy one. That they felt truly loved. Completely loved. Unconditionally loved. And accepted.

When people come to me as a clinical psychologist, they come when they’ve hit rock bottom. And I’ve been given a gift. I truly believe it’s a gift from God. I can see people’s potential long before they can see it in themselves. And I love them for it. And I show it to them… what that feels like.

And then eventually, as they heal… as they overcome whatever they’re dealing with, addiction, trauma, or whatever it is, they begin to see it too.

I’ve had so many people come in and say, “My name is Jane, and I’m an alcoholic.” And I’ll say, “No, you’re not.” And they look at me like I don’t understand. And I say, “You’re a wife. You’re a mother. You’re a sister. You’re a daughter. You’re a friend. You have a career. Yes, alcohol is creating problems in your life… but that is not who you are.”

And they say, “Doctor, I don’t think you understand addiction.”

And I say, “Jane, I don’t think you understand your potential.” Because addiction is not the identity. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s how you’ve learned to deal with pain.

So instead of focusing only on the behavior, we go deeper. We look at the root. The heart. The soul. And when that gets healed something incredible happens. Not only do they get sober, they stay sober. Without forcing it. Because they’ve learned a new way to live.

ALLIÉ: Well, mission accomplished. In terms of how people speak of you and how you make them feel. I feel loved. I feel seen. I feel heard. Just from you sharing your story and your truth. Thank you.

ELIA: You know something… when people live in alignment with their purpose, they have a pretty happy life. It never feels like work.

And for me, the purpose of this life, besides happiness, is this: to leave the world better than we found it.

Because we all have a sphere of influence. It might be 10 people. It might be 100. It might be a million. But whatever that sphere is… what are we doing with it?

Are we bringing toxicity into it? Or are we bringing kindness, love, acceptance, forgiveness?
The choice is ours. ∎
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Learn more about Dr. Elia Gourgouris:
www.drofhappiness.com
Find & follow him on Instagram:
@dr.eliag