THE LAST GOODBYE THAT NEVER HAPPENED

'What Happens When You Don't Get To Say Goodbye'
Written by Elizabeth Blake-Thomas

​Last month, I received the news that my grandpa had unexpectedly and tragically passed away.
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Someone might think he was old and that this was simply the natural way things happen. However, he had an accident that meant he left us too early, aged 89, nearly 90.

I’m fortunate because my grandparents have all been relatively healthy and young enough to become great-grandparents, with the possibility that they might even have reached great-great-grandparent status.

I remember the last time I saw my grandpa. It was a wonderful afternoon at his house with my grandmother, who we call Nan. We looked at photographs and drank tea. As I drove away, they both stood at the end of the garden and waved me off.

It’s a lovely memory to have.

Unfortunately, that isn’t the kind of memory I have from a couple of other losses.

I remember saying goodbye to someone who was dying of cancer in hospital. They were unaware we were there, and my final image of them was lying in a hospital bed surrounded by tubes.

In both situations, I said a version of goodbye. One because it was the end, and one because I believed I would see them again.

Knowing I made the effort to go and see my grandpa allows me to feel some sense of calm and peace.

I would often say I do an Irish goodbye, basically leaving without anyone knowing. I thought this was the best way to live. Saying goodbye to lots of people can be exhausting and can often take over an hour. So, at parties and events, I would simply disappear.

When I left the UK for LA, I didn’t even know I was leaving properly, so I never really got to say goodbye to my life there. I think that gave me the feeling that, if it didn’t work out, I could come back and no one would know I had “failed”. Somehow, that felt like the safer option.

When my marriage ended, I remember the last time I saw my husband before I knew we were not going to stay married. It was at the airport. We kissed and said we were going to try to make it work.

Then, the next time he came back, he had already asked for a divorce.

I remember that being a very different goodbye.

That goodbye felt unfair because I hadn’t been given the time for closure.

But we don’t always get that.
What happens when we don’t get closure?

Psychologically, it has an impact on the brain, especially my autistic brain.

When you don’t get to say goodbye to someone, whether because of sudden loss, estrangement or unexpected distance, it can result in a complicated grieving process. It can leave you with a lingering sense of unfinished business and heighten feelings of shock, regret, anger or sadness.