TWELVE AND TORN

TWELVE AND TORN
'When Bullying Breaks More Than Your Heart'
Personal Story by Erin Macauley

​It’s funny how things that happened thirty years ago can still impact you in the present day. My final year of primary school was meant to be my year. I was Head Girl and was moving on to a private all girls school the following year. I had always been a popular kid at school and had a lot of friends. But all of this changed in year seven and I will never forget it.

As well as being Head Girl, I was vice faction captain, head of the debating team, sang in the school choir, played netball and was in the dancing team. I had excelled at school up until this point. Why you ask? Because I was relentlessly bullied by not only my peers but also by their parents. 

I was at netball training one afternoon and was told by the girls that their parents had started a petition to remove me from my position as head girl. They had also been prank calling me in the middle of the night and isolating me from my group of friends at school. Mum and I went to see the Principal of the school the next day to tell him about this. He did absolutely nothing about it.

I was at a girls house after school and our photo with the dance team was in the paper. The mother said to me verbatim, “That’s a good photo but a terrible photo of you Erin”. I was twelve years old. I believe this is one of the many comments that sparked my anxiety and problems with my mental health. 

We went on an excursion the day before we were meant to finish school for the year. This is something I don’t remember because my brain has blocked it out as it was so traumatic, but the kids on the bus kept flicking me with elastic bands. Mum said I got off the bus and just cried and she said I never had to go back to that school. Apparently I was steadfast in my reply and said I was going to finish the year off as I had to give a speech to the school along with the Head Boy. One of the mothers was filming this and when it came for me to give my speech she snapped her camera shut and looked away. 

The bullying didn’t stop when school finished for the year and we were moving onto high school. During the holidays we received so many prank calls and had people spitting on our front door. It was awful.

When I moved to my new school I had to catch a bus and train home. I walked the short distance to my house from the train station alone. For a while the people who had been in primary school with me would wait at the train station for me so they could abuse me and tease me. Thankfully this stopped after a while. 

This trauma was never addressed by the school. Every time I mentioned it to a teacher they told me that I was Head Girl and I had to deal with it. Nobody told the bullies off or got them to stop. It was pure torture. My brain has blocked so many things out that happened and this is where PTSD comes into it. 

​Because it was so relentless by every kid in my year and their parents, I developed post traumatic stress disorder. My brain blocking things out is a protection mechanism that happens to traumatised individuals. To this day I cannot remember a lot of what went on and Mum fills in the blanks for me.

I thank god that I grew up in an era without Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and TikTok because it would have been so much worse. It was horrendous with just having a home phone and then being able to abuse me with their voices whenever I saw them over the Christmas period and into year eight. 

I don’t know what sparked the bullying and I don’t think I ever will know. But for those out there being bullied, speak up. Please talk to somebody about it because it is not okay and can impact you later in life like it has me. For people bullying people - think again. You have no clue how much weight your words carry and what your actions do to people. If someone was doing this to your child how would you feel about it? 

I largely blame the school for not holding the bullies accountable for what they did to me. Also their parents - had the tables been turned they would have fought for their kid as well. My mum tried everything she could to help me but we were just rebuffed by the school. A psychologist told my Dad that because of this trauma my brain has stopped and on the inside I am still a 12 year old girl. I don’t know how much of this is true. I would need to research PTSD more to find this out.

When your peers, their parents and teachers don’t nourish your life at such a pivotal age it wreaks havoc on you. I became a shell of myself. I will never get over what happened to me as it was so traumatic but I want to speak up about it to help others who might be going through the same thing. Nobody understands how damaging it can be until you’re in the situation and my primary school has a lot to answer for because of their lack of support or help. 

The kids that bullied me have gone on to have kids of their own now and I really hope nothing like what happened to me happens to their children. I haven’t forgiven nor have I forgotten the bullies and I don’t think I ever will. I never knew people could be so cruel until I lived it. So my message to everyone is to be kind. You never know what damage you are causing and how your actions will impact a person for the rest of their lives. ∎